The Lighter Side

The Lighter Side:

Humor comes in many forms. I like humor that is not dirty, racist or demeaning amongst other things. Old fashion humor you might say.

This months humor tends to be punny. Not all are puns, but tend to lean that way. Could be short one liners too. I will let you decide what category they should be placed in.

So here we go….. away with the show……..

1. I think Santa has river front property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year

2. My girlfriend is mute, she communicates by embroidery, it’s her version of sign language, sew to speak.

3. If there’s a storm going on outside, our cat scratches everything in its path, when it rains it paws.

4. Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshiping cats.

5. I saw an inflatable ATM machine today, the screen said “Please do not enter PIN”

6. “Jesus Loves You”, can be a nice enough gesture in church, but not what you want to hear in a Mexican prison

7. If the chemical composition of water is ‘H2O’, does that mean that Holy Water should be ‘H2OMG’ ? …and Ice is H20cubed

8. That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

9. Did you know that health insurance and homeowner’s insurance are the same thing to a turtle.

10. I used to own a party balloon company but I couldn’t keep up with the high cost of inflation.

11. I was born to be a pessimist.  My blood type is B Negative.

12. I Googled- “Missing medieval servant”, it came up with “Page not found”.

 

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The Lighter Side:

If you have read the lighter side before you know that I love word humor. A friend of mine, The Wonka has turned me onto a new form of word humor paraprosdokians. At least it’s new to me.

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Winston Churchill loved them, so I am in good company. Think you will too.

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is more often then not humorous.

Hope they tickle your funny bone too.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify…. I answered “a doctor.”

Spread the Laughter, Share the Cheer,

Let’s Be Happy While We’re here!

 

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The Lighter Side:

It is that time of the month again…..time to laugh, chuckle or giggle…….I am talking about the Lighter Side.

The sign at the Comedy Club says IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

You will have to tell me how bad I was. This is some of my best material I used. So email me and tell me how great I am.

1. If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

2. I had a happy childhood, My Dad would put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill, they were Goodyears.

3. Even though I’ve gone bald, I still keep the comb I’ve had for nearly twenty years. I just can’t part with it.

4. Rap is like scissors, it always loses to rock .

5. It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn’t matter if its Visa or MasterCard

6. I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

7. Women are the only species that defy the laws of gravity, the more they weigh, the easier they are to pick up

8. I got in trouble at the local park for lining all the squirrels up in order of height, they didn’t like me critter sizing.

9. Darth Vader had a corrupt brother Taxi Vader.

10. I’ve never seen a tombstone that read: “Died from not forwarding that email to 10 people.”

11. I’ve just won our local Iron Man competition, 20 shirts in half an hour.

12. Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, Teddy Grahams Bear, and Count Chocula perish in a house fire. S’more at eleven.

I hope you enjoyed this months Lighter Side…. funny the Lighter Side is the most read article on my blog…. Gosh, there are a lot of sick minded people……. LMAO

 

 

 

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The Lighter Side:

It’s not surprising, that the lighter side and it’s answers are the most popular blogs I write each month. My regular readers range in age from 11 to 84. Which is so awesome.

I am glad that I can spread a little laugher each month to so many. Once again, you will see how silly and easy most of the answers are. Good luck guessing.

Remember to read the next article before skipping to the answers.

01. Why did Billy go out with a prune?

02. Why do dragons sleep during the day?

03. What animal has more lives then a cat?

04. Where are otters from?

05. What bagel can fly?

06. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

07. Where do all the cool mice live?

08. What’s the definition of a will?

 

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The Lighter Side:

BOO, did I scare you? Think not…….but I will make you think and laugh with this years Halloween jokes. I always try to get the dumbest and freshest jokes.

You know new ones that you and your friends haven’t heard a million times. Guess it’s ok with this months humor, to say “Hope you die laughing”…… snickering big time.

Like always the answers follow the next article, No fair skipping the article !!!!

01. What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food?

02. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the Halloween ball?

03. What is a witch’s best subject in school?

04. Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

05. What food is a vampire afraid of?

06. What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

07. What do you call two spiders that just got married?

08. What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

09. What is a vampires favorite fruit?

10. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road.

11. What is a Mummie’s favorite type of music

12. Why did the ghost go into the bar?

13. Where do most werewolves live?

 

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The Lighter Side:

Well I am a little behind in preparing my annual Halloween jokes, so right now I have some of my favorite puns for you to enjoy. Puns are a lost art for comedians today, that is why when you hear one you really get a kick out of the play on words.

Never fear, my Halloween jokes will be posted in plenty of time for you to spread the Halloween Spirit.

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

I wrote a rock and roll song about a tortilla. Well it’s more wrap.

God is a baseball fan? The Bible’s, first line “In the big inning”

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding – A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Explaining puns to kleptomaniacs is hard, because they always take things literally.

 

 

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The Lighter Side:

It is that time of the month again …. no, not that time of the month.  But time for me to challenge you with some of the worse or best old time jokes.  Like always the answers follow the next story. It is a good story ….. so don’t skip over it to read the answers.   

1. What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air?

2. Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

3. What is a tree’s favorite drink?

4. What did the spider do on the computer?

5. Why did the computer keep sneezing?

6. Why was the computer cold?

7. Have you seen the movie called The Tractor ?

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The Lighter Side

Geez, July just flew bye and it is again time to write the Lighter Side. I have been asked many times where do I find these dumb jokes.

I have been storing most of them in my brain for 50 plus years, but I do have a small circle of friends that text, email or call me with a joke they think that I will like. So you can thank them.

Hope you enjoy this month challenging jokes, as always the answers follow the next article. 

1. What did the bartender say to Charles Dickens?

2. What’s a frog’s favorite soda?

3. Why was the computer so tired when it got home?

4. Why couldn’t the pirate remember the alphabet?

5. How do you make an egg laugh?

6. Why shouldn’t you shower with a Pokemon around?

7. What did the llama say when he got kicked off the farm?

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The Lighter Side:

Well it is that time of month again…..no, not that time of month. Grinning ear to ear……I am talking about the return of the Lighter Side…

These are jokes that are mostly for a 10 year olds, so if you are over 20, you are over qualified and you won’t get many of them.

Enjoy…… The answer will follow the next article.

1: What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t show up?

2. Why was the broom late?

3: What did the banana say to the doctor?

4. How do fish get high?

5. What did a green grape say to a purple grape?

6. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

7. What does a lawyer wear to work?

8. What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

 

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The Lighter Side:

 

The Lighter Side this month is about cats. I will test your knowledge about those cute little felines. Remember to get the answer to these jokes, think like a child. That shouldn’t be hard for some of my readers. Just kidding ???

Answers will follow the next article.

1. What is a cat’s favorite song?

2. Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?

3. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?

4. What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?

5. Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?

6. How does the cat get its own way?

7. What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo?

Good luck, let’s see if you can get a purrfect score.

 

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